What does a grieving baby look like? How does a grieving baby act? As you begin to parent your newly adopted baby, you will soon learn to know her cries. One of those cries is her “sad” cry. Sometimes, for seemingly no reason, the baby will cry and will be almost inconsolable. I believe that this is when they are grieving the loss of their mother. Many adoptive mothers will cry right along with their babies, feeling empathy for such a significant loss.

How do you comfort a grieving baby? My recommendation would be to do it the same way your would comfort a cherished adult going through a significant loss.

Use touch – carry the baby in a sling, use infant massage, sleep with them, touch their faces, their feet, their heads – hug and kiss and cherish. When I was trained as an infant massage instructor, I was taught that the chest strokes often elicited emotion. At the time, I had an adopted infant and as I massaged her, consistently she would cry – big, deep heart-rending sobs, as I went over her chest. Over time, that response lessened, then went away.

Let them cry and don't try to “shush” them – don't tell them it will be all better, and don't try to “fix” it – just let them cry. You can of course offer loving support – don't abandon them – but let them cry.

Talk to them. I talk “baby talk”, but I also talk adult talk, since I believe that they babies can feel the emotions I am trying to convey and I also think that sometimes they are much more aware then we give them credit for – they're just non-verbal. I tell them I am so sorry that their mama is not their with them. I tell them I love them and I will always be there for them. I tell them that they sound so sad and tell them it's OK to be sad – they should be sad! I ask them questions “Are you missing your mama right now?” I always make sure to say “I love you” many times during this process. “I love you and I will be here for you”.

I am not offended that my babies grieve. In fact, I would be MUCH more worried if they did not. It is not a statement about the way they are being parented, a “complaint” that they were adopted, or anything else. It just is. It's inevitable and needs to be supported. In fact, I suppose I could say that I do sometimes agree with the second premise of “Primal Wound” and that some children never do heal. My guess is in those cases, their grief was not “heard” - it was ignored, shushed away, lectured away or in some other way not acknowledged. I know “Feelings Buried Alive Never Die”. Just like childbirth, the only way to get to the “other side” is to labor through it. There are no shortcuts through grief, even for babies.